I was watching something random last night. I remember something that one of the characters said. These are not the exact words, but it goes something like this — I get scared when you make a decision because you get tempted to do whatever it takes to make that decision happen.
What I'm beginning to realize is that decisions are never objective because there will always be a play of emotions. A lot of our decisions are wildly affected by emotions. I have seen how these were used to the extreme; sometimes emotions are used in the wrong places and I'm pretty sure we have all seen it get the best of people. I've seen it cause heartaches, marred relationships, etc. I've developed a very fine line of emotion that I allow myself to walk on. Happiness is always allowed, but not too much because I don't want to fall off the road of reality and just stay on dream land. I also wouldn't allow extreme sadness because that can be depressing — and, it's difficult to get out of it. I have friends who have been depressed most of their lives and it's gotten to situations where they have become violent.
We all have days that we would be knocked out of a race, but we should always think that we will always be able to GET UP AND FINISH. We should not let anger get to us. Of course, this is easier said than done. I remember my friend, JAMES, who I've never seen throw a fit regardless of how bad a situation is. He is just ... so Zen. Zen people do not get angry after all. What I've learned from James is how to put on either a happy face or poker face, lace up my boots, and march on. After all, anger won’t solve anything .
I might have gotten pragmatic through time. I learned every bit of my lessons from mid-2011 to 2012. I may have started to get an extreme pride on this mentality. Supergirls shouldn’t just lose their cool. Superwomen don’t just stoop down to levels that’s not them. I felt I was becoming a bit more like iron. Issues, troubles, sadness just started to bounce off me. I'd give myself time to sulk and get pissed, but just the right amount of time. I sometimes surprise myself, why am I not crying?
I've a rather strong personality and it’s both a blessing and a curse. I don’t want the people I love see me during my weakest moments. Last week, one of my best-est friends, JESS sent me message. She said, "I understand. I guess it was the first time in our friendship na I couldn't do anything to protect you or to fight back for you. But I have always wished and prayed for you to get past the dark days."
It took me a while to tell her about some of my heartaches and new adventures. There was a time when I totally shut out everyone around me. Sadly yes, even my best friends. When I finally let go of that anger, I slowly got back into the groove. I felt as if I could not trust anyone. I am not in college and there is an entire department at work who depend on me. If things outside the office bother me, I cannot just go to work and look like a mess.
Thing is, there are situations that need you to heal and get better alone . It's not selfish. That's how you find yourself again. That's when you become whole again, as an individual. That's when you know who your true friends are.
I am strong and no matter what, I will march on with a big smile on my face ... a smile and probably a bit of iron. This is me now. Those things that I thought were bouncing off were just piling at my feet. While not looking down and doing my best to march on, I wasn’t looking down at what was piling up under me. So what happened?
And what was on the ground? What was around me? Everything I thought shook off and walked past. So on the ground I have begun to see some things. First is that a superwoman also gets hurt, but that does not make her less super. In fact, a woman is super if she has learned to manage her emotions well more times than not. She deals with her emotions. Allows herself to have the freedom to have emotion—to feel and process these emotions.
Everything has now become bright and cheerful. I am thankful for the other superwomen who understood me and gave me that freedom instead of just telling me, "I'm here for you. I will always be here for you."
Take Your Pick: Feel + Process + Experience = Breakthrough and Healing vs. Ignoring + Keeping = Turmoil and Depression
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