23 December, 2012

Forgiveness in 2 words: Merry Christmas

Tonight, I did something unexpected. I am still in this uncomfortable + weird phase, but my heart is oddly bursting with joy. I feel like a ton of load has been lifted off my shoulders. There was a time when I was frustrated but it helped to let myself go through the entire process of hurting and getting angry. I can now say that I am now moving forward. Tonight, I'm going to be happy, probably even with a smile on my face knowing that my heart chose to forgive. I have forgiven myself and have forgiven another.

Life continues to change and it never is a concern. My initial reaction would be a loud panic squirming inside with too many questions and unspoken fears. Sure enough, my strength eventually manages to pull me through days and nights, but I feel the life etched into me too deeply or so I tell myself when I see the face in the mirror. A few times, I tried to believe in the unbelievable and as life zigzags along, I eventually get my groove back.

"Some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, and making the best of it,
without knowing what’s going to happen next." ~ Gilda Radner


After tonight, I know that I'm past the worst. I have overcome one of my biggest fears this year and I owe it to myself that I chose to do the right thing. I am a different Russ now. This has been one of the toughest year and while I am still a work-in-progress, I will keep reaching towards something better and bigger. I simply cannot imagine my life without forward movement, but by and large I start settling into a routine that surrounds me with calmness. That is what the goal is, right? Or is it?

I'm grateful that things are starting to settle down and it will be awesome news to have a fairly predictable pattern again. I need to sneak back into my life and stir the pot vigorously into waves. The great news is, these are not waves of turmoil. I will tread carefully this time and will enjoy whatever amount of time I have whilst I wait for the wind to blow. Despite how difficult it may seem, I have learned the value of committing to a path and striding off in that direction with confidence — even if it meant going alone.

I used to paddle my canoe furiously in both directions hoping that it won't tip over but either way, I know I am going to get wet. Eventually.

This will sound like I was abducted by aliens, but I have to say that tonight I agree with people who say that the best gifts are those that do not have price tags on them. Break-ups are never easy but the pain eventually goes away. Tonight, I found peace and I am happy. I don't regret anything and I will always be thankful for everything. The world is still a beautiful place to be in. I am more than feeling better now. Goodnight.

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