13 May, 2013


It does not make sense writing this now. I was supposed to have this up 8 days ago. Recently, I felt as if I am being prepared for this big moment. Words cannot express all the emotions bottled in my heart right now especially when I cannot pinpoint what it is exactly. 

I hope I am not giving the impression that I am sad. I'm not. A Tita that I have kind of gotten close to over the past months told me that I look happier. I told her there is nothing to be sad about. While I still have bazillions of questions that have left unanswered, I can't let these stuff bring me down. 

You just don't lose sight of better things. We all make it through tough times; it has always been that way with me, so I felt called to pass that message along.

Here is growth, which came from moments and lessons over time. 
Here is the catch in my throat when I hear him sing songs that we both like. 
Here is the list of places we made together, that we will one day visit,
Down to the minutiae of hotel room prices and attractions we want to see. 

Here is the sweet way he says my name, "RUSS". 
Here are the truckloads of one-word exchanges that signify the important events in our lives, 
Here is the way his eyebrows arch slightly whenever I laugh before the punchline of my joke.
Here is the way he answers my calls, inflecting his 'HELLO' exactly the same way every single time. 

The shorthand of our knowledge of each other. 
Here are the exhausting tears that come from little fights. 
Here is the kind of sickening pain that surfaces at the thought of losing someone. 
Here is the moment I wake up, opening my eyes, and see myself reflected in someone else's. 

Here, this is love. Except, there is no perfect love. I kind of want to laugh at myself because of the amount of stuff I have written about my feelings these past months. On some days, I feel that I sometimes sound like a high school girl with a crush, but what the heck — most of life is this way. Nothing is ever perfect, but we do get blessed with so many things. 

The future always looks rosier than it turns out to be, I just don't see it yet but it's bound to be brighter anyways. The past leaves scars that defy the very definition of the word 'past'. The present, that minute, is the only thing that can really live up to the expectation of perfect love. Anyone who says they have not loved has not looked hard enough at the tiniest of movements, the simplest of actions, and found what they are looking for. Sometimes, even if we do not know, all we really need to do is trust that through and amidst the crap of our lives we are in a lot of ways blessed, even if we cannot see it at that time. 

There is no clear-cut formula to healing. On some days, it will suck. S*it happens and even the greatest love stories are so tragic. Agree? On a lighter note, I'm glad that I'm alright and despite the hurts, I am grateful that in this lifetime, I have been blessed with love ... so much more than I expected .. ❥ __R.